[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?