[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
For the baby who has everything
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.