My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
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JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.