In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
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The pen is writier than the sword.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter