My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”