When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.