If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
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Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once