[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
o shit
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
When you’re here for the treats.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too