Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Möther may I have a snäck
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist