People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
*jazz hands*
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
why no one uses midhusbands
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel