a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]