N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car