Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
reminder
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up