EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
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please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
We’re all getting idioter.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts