Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
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“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.