I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
You Might Also Like
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
my favorite genre of twitter
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra