My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
File under excellent bookstore names.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
The legends speak of a third Duran…
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.