me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
This fish is cracking me up