Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
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Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?