*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
This one’s “Alex”.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.