*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours