I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.