Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear