Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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“just sayin” who asked you though?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT