professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
You Might Also Like
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
lmfao come on
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?