I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
those birds must be on payroll
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.