Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I am having an out of money experience.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.