5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
OH. COME. ON.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.