It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
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[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.