What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
sry