The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am