House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
scenes of unspeakable carnage
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out