People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
i think both sides are to blame here
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.