If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
my dad has had enough
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.