Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Selfie
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.