You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
wait.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.