Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
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Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Money is the root of all wealth
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO