THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
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Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Finally! 😈
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine