The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.