People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’