I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
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You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.