Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
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Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I’d … I’d rather not.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.