Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No