[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
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Bless you
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️