Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
it was a valiant fight
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?