I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?