My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
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Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I have never related to a cat more
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*