Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Thanks to a fan for this one.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
can you read it!!??
maan!
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.