COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.