You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
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what’s really going on
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
23. the denim jacket
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.